A Family Program Written in the Body
I needed to save half-dead people around me since childhood. I needed to wake them up to life, because even if they were physically there, they weren’t really there. And I absorbed that program — a family program: I have to be scared.
This belief: I have to be scared. I have to defend myself.
Coming from the whole family system: We have to defend. We have to be afraid.
Some of that may come from wartime, some from even earlier, unknown generations — but it was embedded in the body and absorbed by a child who learned survival from her parents. It’s so subtle and so unconscious that there’s no way to see it directly, yet it silently runs the show — making choices, taking action, or preventing action.
So I had to save the people around me, energetically lift them up.
Saving Others as a Survival Strategy
I was saving almost all of my boyfriends or men I met — especially when they were in long phases of collapse. I attracted them into my life.
That was my codependency and unconscious attempt to control and receive love in exchange.
And again: I had to be scared.
It was a setup for disaster.
The Programs We Cannot See
Once you begin to recognize these unconscious programs, you start to see — with the eye of energy, with the eye of awareness — that these patterns are not only deeply rooted and invisible, but they’re kept alive in the body. Held in place by the same force that holds unexpressed anger, unexpressed sadness, unexpressed hurt, unexpressed love and unmet emotional needs.
They are held by frozen fear — an energy that shows up as contraction, numbness, overthinking, stuckness. It’s actually simple, but we create a huge story around it — a story made out of fear. We interpret, analyze, assign meaning, and build an entire multibillion-dollar industry around emotional wounds.
Why Awareness Alone Is Not Enough
It’s vulnerable, yes — but only when we stop stigmatizing it and stop making it something exclusive or extraordinary, can we actually face it. And of course, our emotional repression does everything possible to prevent that.
It’s all there, and you begin to recognize it in awareness — but not by resting in awareness alone.
You recognize it through the skillful use of the right tools — tools that help you uncover these programs and unlock this energy.
Releasing Frozen Fear
And then, step by step, you begin to release this energy. You dissolve the frozen fear, and that life force becomes available to you. You’re no longer cut off from expressing yourself — however that expression wants to show up.
You begin to live more authentically, bit by bit.
And those programs — I have to be scared, I have to defend, I have to be dead to survive — slowly begin to loosen. They lose their power. They lose their sense of existence, because they only existed to protect you from what once felt terrifying: your repressed emotions.
They lose their purpose when they’re met with truth, that you start to embody.
What Lies Beneath the Anger
You don’t need to change them or convince yourself of the opposite. If you try to convince yourself of the opposite, you’re only rearranging the surface — not the engine underneath. And change at the surface never holds.
And what drives it is emotional repression — the frozen fear stored in the body, living there unconsciously.
And what is at the root?
For me, it was seeing that my repressed anger — once I finally tapped into it — was love. Unexpressed love. Because expressing it, so many times, would actually have been an act of love. Once I felt that truth, the whole story began to dissolve.
