I was a fighter all my life — fighting for life itself, fighting every corner of myself: my true vulnerability, my anger, my femininity, my sexuality, my drive and passions. At times, I even fought others, just to receive breadcrumbs of love, for a fake sense of safety.
Survival and safety were my running programs. Avoidance was my running program. Holding back my true expression was my running program.
It started at a very early age and continued into adulthood. On the surface, I appeared calm, well-restrained, peaceful, and understanding most of the time. Inside, there was a battle I could never win — one I had to keep fighting.
That was my deeply buried conditioning. It manifested somatically as neck pain and, relationally, as isolation, hyper-independence, and a pattern of falling into unhealthy relationships — where I pretended I didn’t want or desire anything, and thus attracted people who only confirmed that belief.
When I began emotional repression work (KI), I discovered that all of this was driven by my unmet childhood needs for love and safety — and by my repressed anger, deep hurt, and fear of expressing them.
I tried therapies, somatic work, spirituality — all with the hope of getting rid of who I truly was. I even started KI with the same intention. The difference was that KI didn’t leave any program unseen. I could no longer turn away from myself — not even from the “I have to get rid of my behavior” program.
I could no longer say, “It’s all just happening and will pass.” It never passed by itself. My suffering kept coming back like a boomerang — no matter how much I reflected on my mistakes or promised myself to act differently.
It felt as if I had no power over what was happening. I kept attracting the same kinds of people, no matter how different they seemed, and I reacted in the same ways, even when I thought I wasn’t — or even when I did the opposite, as every prescription suggested.
I felt like I wasn’t reaching something deeper — something untouched, constantly running underneath, like a computer program operating in the background and slowing everything down. That “slow processing” was my life force, blocked by something invisible. My inner radar was simply off.
Doing the opposite of what we’ve always done isn’t the same as being true to ourselves. It’s just another form of acting from the same frozen energy — the same fear and reppressed emotions. This energy, as long as it remains inaccessible, blocks our inner clarity and intuition.
Only when the mechanism of emotional repression begins to loosen can we truly feel what’s real — and know what we genuinely want.
I would have never believed that all of this was caused by my repressed emotions — or that so much freedom, self-love, and authenticity could come from meeting the buried layers of my anger, hurt, and fear. These are the layers of emotion that had been frozen in my body since childhood.
People often use the term “inner child,” but in truth, what we’re meeting are the repressed emotions that originated in childhood and were never fully felt. That’s why we still react from these old programs — from the little girl who didn’t feel safe to experience or express fear, anger, or hurt, or to ask for protection, love, and attention.
In KI, you learn to turn this stuck energy — these vulnerable experiences — back into what they originally were: free-flowing energy, expressing itself naturally in the world. You regain access to all the resources that were always within you — simply stuck and held in the body.
Some of the old programs still show up from time to time in my life. But their intensity is much lower now, and I have the tools to meet them without letting them rule me.
I see more authentic connections, a deeper attunement to what I truly want, and a genuine joy in pursuing it. I communicate more clearly and set healthy boundaries. I speak my truth and build the life I want to live — step by step.
I no longer need to deny or hide from what comes up as a trigger or a shadow. I meet it. I own it.
It’s been a long path — at times difficult — one where I learned to give myself, and to ask for, the patience and presence I never received before.
If, like me, you can’t see an end to your suffering — whatever form it takes: depression, self-harming patterns, addiction, relational struggles, physical pain, or contraction — try this:
Sit comfortably and imagine the people closest to you — your parents, partner, children. Picture them in the same room with you and say:
“I can be fully authentic with them. I can be completely myself with them.”
Say it neutrally, not as an affirmation, and simply notice if a part of your body — the one that holds pain, contraction, or dense energy — reacts with discomfort or resistance.
Just watch. That’s your body saying, “I can’t be authentic with them.”
This may be the first moment you truly hear what’s been buried inside your body.
